Innocence sees the moment
by remuswolfylupin
Summary: AU. Slavery bound their hands, harsh words cut their tongues, innocence faded to black, and to trust meant to fall. Sirius Black never knew that what he saw the summer before his 1st year at Hogwarts would come back to haunt him one day as one Remus Lupin
1. The summer our innocence died

_Hello, my pretties... *insert evil witch cackle here* Yeah, okay, watching too much 'Wizard of Oz' over here. Haha. _

_So, here's a new Wolfstar fic for you all. I had the idea a few days ago and then I was in such a dreadful mood last night that I sat down at just started writing. I guess with the subject matter it kind of helps not being in a cheerful mood. I don't think I could write a lot of this while happy and bouncing off the walls. _

_WARNING: This story contains violence, language, possible mild smutty scenes, and a whole ton of sad face moments. _

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><p>It was a mistake they saw anything in the first place. Who would have thought that a harmless muggle game like 'truth or dare' would lead to this?<p>

Sirius Black, age 11, struggled to close his eyes. The hot summer air smothered the room and made it difficult to breathe. He was beyond the point of tired, but after what had happened that day he could not get the images out of his mind that were keeping him awake.

It was summer. Summers were meant to be fun. Days spent running around wrecking havoc and playing pranks on the icky girls next door. When Sirius escaped the watchful eye of his young brother, Regulus, at home – who had a definite habit of playing 'mommy's spy to see what trouble Sirius was getting into' - he would run out the door and race off to the playground. His parents disapproved of any sort of communication with muggles or mudbloods, but Sirius tended not to care _what_ a person was as long as they would play with him.

On this particular day he met a boy his age he had never seen before. The boy had messy black hair and was wearing glasses that seemed to keep sliding off his nose. Sirius spotted him just in time to watch the boy trip another boy who had been walking by. It was a rather nerdy looking kid holding a book – Sirius would have done the same thing. Laughing in amusement, Sirius hopped on over and introduced himself to the new kid.

"Hey," he grinned, "I've never seen you around here before. I'm Sirius."

The kid eyed him up coolly. "No need to be so serious about it. I'm just here with my family on vacation. My name's James Potter."

Sirius blinked, and then started laughing. "Oh Merlin, you thought-" he laughed more, "_no_, I meant my name. It's Sirius Black. S-I-R-I-U-S. You know, like the star?"

"Oh." James grinned. "I get it. Well, Sirius Black, what's fun to do around here? My family and I are only here for a week."

"There's lots of fun things!" Sirius nodded.

He was about to continue when he heard someone shouting his name. "Sirius!" Both boys looked over to see a girl with rather frizzy dark hair looking their way. "We're playing 'truth or dare' and you have to join us!"

Sirius sighed, looking anything but delighted. "That's my cousin, Bellatrix. She always makes me join her games and then always makes sure I lose somehow."

"Well, then this time you'll just have to win!" James told him. They went over and joined Bellatrix and her friends, introducing James before they started the game.

It was not a bad game, all in all. Sirius had fun daring the one girl to eat a worm. When it came time for Sirius' turn though, that was when things went wrong. He should have chosen truth instead of dare, maybe then things would not have gone the way they did. Sirius was not about to let his cousin make him out to be a sissy though, so of course he chose dare.

"I dare you to go up over the hill to the old barn and go inside for at least five minutes." Bellatrix grinned mischievously.

"What?" Sirius gaped. "But that place is haunted!"

"Well, if you're too scared-"

"I'm not!" He huffed.

"A haunted barn?" James piped up. "I wanna see! I'm not scared of anything so I'll go with. It can be the dare for my turn too."

Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Just go already!"

Having no doubts that Bellatrix and her friends would run off as soon as they were gone, Sirius got up and lead the way for James up and over the hill. As they went Sirius told James about the barn. He explained that a few years back someone had found the body of a child inside. After that people began reporting hearing strange things coming from the old barn and started coming up with stories about ghosts. Occasionally though some people had even heard weird howling coming from inside late at night, almost as if there were wolves inside.

It was all quite silly of course. Sirius did not believe any of it, but that did not mean he wanted to just waltz right on it. After all, there had been a dead body in there before.

After hearing the story, James shrugged and just continued following Sirius, stating again that he was never really afraid of anything so if there were any ghosts then he would scare _them_ away.

The old barn was slightly hidden amongst old trees and bushes. Thin vines of ivy were creeping up the old walls to the ceiling, which was missing sections of shingle at the top. Sirius and James were about to move closer when they heard an odd yelping sound, causing them both to jump in surprise. It seemed to have come from inside the building. As they drew closer they began to hear more sounds coming from inside, and then came the voices.

Unable to make out what the voices were saying, Sirius and James paused once more glancing at one another nervously. "Should we keep going?" Sirius whispered as quietly as he could.

"Well, it is a dare, but there are people already inside..." James looked unsure, yet sounded highly curious. "Let's just peek through that broken window." So they crept silently closer, crouching down to edge along the side of the building until they reached the one window that was missing glass, lifting their heads carefully to glance inside.

Now, late at night and unable to sleep, Sirius wished he hadn't.

A small group of about twelve people were huddled in the one corner of the barn. Most were adults but there were about four children amongst them. Four grown men were sitting on old wooden benches that were on either side of an old, beaten looking table. They were seemingly arguing amongst themselves and ignoring the group of people.

"Sirius, look!" James whispered, indicating to the people huddled together.

Sirius took a closer look and his eyes widened. The people looked almost as bad as the old table, especially the adults. Most of them bore old or seemingly faded scars on various parts of their exposed skin, arms, legs, even their faces. The children carried less visual scarring, but they still had some bruises. Every single person in the group had their hands bound in chains.

What the hell was going on?

Watching in confusion, Sirius almost jumped when suddenly one of the children started crying. It was a young boy with light brown hair, looking to be about Sirius and James' own ages. The other boy sitting next to him leaned forward and tried to quiet him, fear evident in his eyes. If Sirius' eyes weren't playing tricks on him, the two boys looked to be twins or at least related as brothers.

"Shut up!" One of the men at the table snapped out. The crying boy only got louder which angered the man more. He got up from the table and grabbed the boy by his shoulders, dragging him out from the huddled group and tossing him out to the side. "Merlin, I'm so sick of your sobbing! You're a pathetic animal; you know that? A freaking mutt."

As Sirius and James watched in joint horror, the man pulled a wand from his pocket and pointed it at the crying boy as the other three men laughed and the group of people seemed to collectively shake and hold one another. The crying boy's brother had managed to struggle to his feet, his eyes wide with fear yet showing some sort of determination.

"Leave him alone!" The boy shouted, his voice quivering slightly.

The man who was towering over the sobbing boy glanced over and turned his wand on the brother. "No one gave you permission to talk, you monster, so sit back down before I decide we don't need you either!" He flicked his wand in the brother's direction, causing him to fly back into the barn wall and cry out in pain as he fell to the floor.

Turning back to the crying boy on the ground in front of him, the man sneered and pointed his wand back down. "You've been pathetic from the start. We never should have nabbed you, should have stuck with just your brother. We don't need weak mutts like you." The man mumbled something then, that neither Sirius nor James heard, and a jet of green light hit the boy. When the light was gone the boy on the ground was no longer crying, nor was he moving.

"RO!" The other boy had gotten up again and cried out in terror.

After that Sirius had not seen anything else, instead fleeing the side of the barn until he made it back over the hill and hit the edge of the trees next to the park. Without any warning he bent over and vomited; the image of the dead boy was still fresh in his mind.

"Sirius!" James' voice called out to him. "Sirius!" The voice grew louder as James approached him. "Hey...oh, you threw up. Gross." James wrinkled his nose. "What the heck was going on back there?"

"They killed him!" Sirius exclaimed. "Those people were- and that boy was- I don't know, but they _killed_ him!"

"It was a spell." James stated.

"You're a-"

"Yeah." James shrugged, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. "Known since I was little, but I only just got my school letter a bit ago. I've never seen a spell like that before."

"It was the killing curse." Sirius told him quietly. "My parents know all about those types of spells, and I saw them mentioned in a book in my mom's library. Not that I do a lot of reading, but I was bored one day and just happened to come across the info."

James looked slightly ill. "So that man really killed that boy...but what were all those people doing there in chains in the first place?"

"I don't know." Sirius replied, still feeling rather ill.

It was getting late so they agreed to meet in the park the next day in the afternoon, if possible. Sirius ran on home, ignoring Regulus when he walked in the door who tried to follow him and ask him where he had been. Shutting the door to his room, Sirius flopped down on his bed and pulled the covers up over his head, blocking out the world for just a while.

He barely slept that night and when he met up with James in the park the next day, he found out James had barely slept as well. Both of them were apprehensive about going back to the barn, but curiosity won out and they snuck back over the hill.

When they got there though, they found no one. The dead boy was no where to be found either.


	2. No light in your eyes

A slight poke in the side. Whispered words gone unheard. Suddenly a jab in the ribs...

"FU- OW..." The class went silent, heads turning to glance back at Sirius who had just been painfully woken up by James.

"Mr. Black, that's the second time you've disrupted this lecture." Professor Binns spoke, somehow managing to sound condescending even while continuing to speak in his droning voice. "One more time and I'll have to give you detention."

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir." Sirius replied, shooting James an evil glare that promised revenge in unpleasant forms. James just gave him an amused look in reply.

After History of Magic the boys met in the hallway. "I hate you, James Potter." Sirius sniffed, winking at a fifth year girl from Ravenclaw who giggled and ran off with her friends.

"No, you _loovvvve_ me." James grinned. "Remind me again why we chose to take History of Magic our _sixth_ year? We could have used the free time! I could have- oh, hey, Lily!"

Sirius rolled his eyes as James waved cheerfully at a tall, pretty, red haired girl who was walking by with some friends. "I think she's warming up to me." James commented happily.

"Or she's leading you on only to crush your _soul_." Sirius replied. He almost felt like grumbling. Sure he liked girls as much as the next guy, but sometimes they were kind of annoying, especially when they took away the attention of one of your best mates.

Sirius and James had been friends since they met the summer before their first year at Hogwarts. After having both been sorted into Gryffindor, and becoming each other's partner in mischievous crime, they had eventually become best friends. Of course there was Peter too. Peter Pettigrew was in Gryffindor as well, a small, chubby fellow who they had just sort of collected one day turning their duo into a trio. Peter was not the best at pranks, but he was pretty good for diversions.

"Anyway," Sirius continued talking as they made their way down to the Great Hall for lunch, "I can't remember why we agreed to take the class...maybe for nap time? Oh, that is, if _someone_ actually let me sleep!"

"How could I resist that perfect moment?" James replied innocently.

They were passing McGonagall's office on the first floor when Sirius saw him. A tall, sandy haired boy was leaving the office, following the stern looking, older Transfiguration professor. It was not the multiple old scars crossing the boy's face that stopped Sirius though. It was the sense a familiarity, the thought of maybe he had seen this particular boy before somewhere though he could not remember when.

"Ah! Mr. Potter, Mr. Black, just the two I was going to look for." Professor McGonagall spoke up when she saw them.

"Whatever it is, professor, we didn't do it." James replied cheerfully.

McGonagall eyed him skeptically. "You wouldn't be saying something like that if you didn't feel guilty about something. It's been six years, Potter; I know you two pretty well by now."

"Yet you still won't profess your undying love to me, my beautiful McGoogles." Sirius piped up, winking in her direction. "One of these days you will finally realize we were meant to be and my life will be complete." He swooned dramatically as James tried to hide a laugh behind his hand.

"Keep dreaming, Black." McGonagall replied, looking anything but amused. "I have a class to teach soon so I need you two to do something for me."

"Anything for you, my love." Sirius grinned broadly.

"Keep talking like that and I'll gladly give you detention." McGonagall shook her head. "You two have Defense Against the Dark Arts after lunch, correct?" Both boys nodded before she continued. "Good. This is Remus Lupin. He's a new student, having been home schooled for the past few years. He's also your new roommate and will be in that class after lunch as well. So, even though I feel I might regret doing this, I need you two – or at least one of you, I know you two are always together though – to show him to his class and then afterwards you can show him up to the Gryffindor Tower."

Sirius glanced over at Remus as McGonagall was speaking. The new student was staring off elsewhere, looking almost bored or uninterested. Sirius still could not shake off the feeling that he had seen the boy before.

"Well, we'd be glad too, professor." James replied cheerfully. "I am Head Boy after all; it would make sense for me to help out a new student and fellow Gryffindor." He held out his hand to Remus. "Hello! It's nice to meet you."

Remus turned his face to look down at James' hand. Sirius caught a look of almost fear pass over Remus' expression before the boy bit his lip and just nodded in reply. James dropped his hand awkwardly and shot a quick glance over at Sirius who just shrugged.

"Oh," McGonagall gasped shortly, "I'm sorry. I forgot to mention, Mr. Lupin doesn't talk."

"Wait...like, can't talk or just...doesn't?" Sirius asked in confusion.

Their professor shot him a look. "He does not talk, Mr. Black." She replied, not bothering to explain. "I'm sure the two of you will have no problem being patient with him. I'm sure you need not worry, Mr. Lupin is very self sufficient once he's familiar with things."

"Well, okay then." Sirius shrugged. "I guess we shall head on off to lunch then."

"Thank you, boys." McGonagall gave them a small smile before turning to Remus. "If you need anything, Mr. Lupin, you're welcome to visit me at any time."

Remus nodded slightly in response before dropping his gaze back to the floor. After McGonagall had left, Sirius and James stood in front of Remus and wondered how they should proceed to lunch. Finally James spoke up. "So, we'll show you the way to the Great Hall for lunch. You can sit with Sirius, our friend Peter, and my self. We're an alright bunch." He chuckled. Getting no response from the new student, James almost sighed but managed not to, instead turning and heading off for the Great Hall.

Sirius was going to wait for Remus to start walking behind James before following. As he stood there awkwardly, Remus glanced up at him nervously, not moving one bit. Sirius' gaze locked on his and he felt his breath catch. The new student's eyes were a captivating icy gray color. There was something off about them though, a sense of dullness as if there was no light behind them. And, if Sirius was not mistaken, there was a hint of fear behind those eyes. He found himself undeniably curious, wanting to know this guy's story, every little detail. Where was he from? Why was he now choosing to attend Hogwarts after having been homeschooled for so long? And why did he look so damn familiar?

"Sirius?" Sirius' thoughts and gaze were torn from the new student as he heard James calling for him.

"Oh, sorry!" Sirius laughed nervously. "Come this way, new kid!" He managed a grin as he took off after James, making sure Remus followed them the entire way to the Great Hall.

There were no doubt plenty of stares as the three of them sat down at the Gryffindor table. How normal was it for a student to transfer in at the beginning of the year? Not that normal. Sirius and James sat on one side of the table and Remus sat down next to Peter, who they introduced him to.

"He doesn't talk Pete, but that doesn't mean you can bore him to death with talk of candy or whatever." Sirius joked.

"What about pranks?" Peter asked seriously. "Can I tell him about all the pranks we've done?"

"Uh..." Sirius looked over at Remus who had, after sitting down, proceeded to pull a book out of his bag and started reading, "OH MY GOD, JAMES. JAMES, JAMES, JAAAMES!" Sirius all but jumped onto James' lap.

His yelling had startled those around them and Remus who's eyes widened and his hands clutched at the book tightly, fear spreading across his face.

"What the- Sirius, get off me!" James shoved Sirius off.

"FOREIGN OBJECT. FOREIGN OBJECT." Sirius jabbed a finger at the book. "I FAINT." And with that he closed his eyes and melted against James' side.

James rolled his eyes and pushed Sirius off of him once more, causing him to fall off the bench much to everyone else's amusement. "Don't mind him." James told Remus. "He's just allergic to books and reading. The library makes him break out in hives."

"Does not!" Sirius pouted. "Books are just so boring!"

Remus opened his mouth as if to say something, but then it was as if he thought against it and just went right back to reading his book, choosing to ignore them instead.

Sirius watched the new student curiously. McGonagall had said Remus did not talk, but she had never said he _couldn't_. Was he just choosing not to? Could people really do that? Sirius did not think he could even go a day without talking. Talking was way too much fun.

He continued wondering about Remus all the way through lunch and as they headed to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. Professor Wiggins did not even bother to introduce Remus to the class, but Sirius had no doubt that Remus did not mind one bit.

They were reviewing disarming spells and defensive spells since it was the beginning of the year and some students were a bit rusty from the summer. Sirius wondered how Remus was supposed to participate in the practical lessons since he did not speak.

Of course his concern over the matter was squashed rather quickly when one of the Slytherins they were having class with decided to send a disarming spell towards James, who was not paying any attention whatsoever. The spell rebounded in front of James' face as if it had hit an invisible wall and hit the Slytherin student in the stomach, knocking him out of his chair to the floor.

As other students either laughed or shared words of amusement, Sirius turned to James in surprise. "How'd you manage that without looking?"

"I didn't." James shrugged.

Sirius turned his head in time to see Remus setting his wand back down on the table. The new student gave him a look with his dull, icy gray eyes before looking back down at the table top.

So the new kid could do wordless spells. Huh.

"Hey, Remus," Sirius spoke up. When Remus did not respond Sirius continued anyway, "you can practice with James, Peter, and I." Maybe if they included Remus then he would start to warm up to them.

Sirius did not know why it was suddenly so important to him, but he really wanted to hear Remus talk.


	3. A new form of jealousy

In the hallway after class, James was just about to tell Remus they would show him to the Gryffindor Tower when Remus held his book up to Sirius.

Sirius gave the new student a confused look. "Honestly I really don't like books."

Remus shook his head, pointing to the book he was holding.

"I bet he's wondering where the library is." James guessed out loud.

When Remus nodded his head in response, Sirius wrinkled his nose. "Ew. I haven't stepped foot in there in ages...like, never if I can help it."

"Well we do have to show him around-"

"Potter!" The boys turned to see Professor Wiggins approaching them. "I have a few questions I'd like to ask you about your summer homework. If you'd step this way..." He turned and walked off without even checking to see if James was following.

"Oh god..." James groaned. "I totally bullshitted the entire thing. He's gonna lecture me for ages."

"Good luck with that, mate." Sirius grinned.

"Yeah, well, have fun showing Remus to the library then." James smirked before heading off after their professor.

Sirius sighed, not entirely enthusiastic about going to the library. "I really don't like the library either, but since you're new and you saved James back there with that spell...I suppose I can at least show you where it is." Remus gave no response, nor did he look remotely interested in what Sirius had to say, but he followed along nonetheless.

When they reached the library and went inside Sirius was almost sure he caught a glimpse of some sort of reaction in Remus' eyes. Almost as if a little bit of the missing light in them sparked for a second at the sight of the hundreds of books just waiting to be read.

Despite the fact that he hated the library, Sirius found himself following along as Remus looked about the shelves. They were just moving around one bookshelf when Sirius heard a voice.

"Is the world ending or what? You're never in here, Black."

"Evans." Sirius smirked at the tall red head. "I wouldn't have come, but the new student wanted to check the place out so..." he shrugged.

"Oh!" Lily smiled, walking around him to join Remus who was ignoring them to look at a few books on one of the shelves. "Professor McGonagall told me we were getting a new student. You must be Remus. I'm Lily Evans, Head Girl."

"He doesn't talk." Sirius commented.

"I know." Lily shrugged. "May as well introduce myself though; it _is_ the polite thing to do. Oh, is that one of the books on historical magical landmarks? May I see it?"

Remus looked up at her and then slowly handed the book over. He continued to watch as Lily smiled up at him and carefully took the book from his grasp. "I know all about these places." Lily told him. "If you'd like we could sit for a while and I could tell you about some of the other places I've learned about that the book doesn't mention."

Sirius felt something gnawing at him as he saw how intently Remus was watching Lily. It was the real first emotion he had seen from Remus besides fear and possible boredom and disinterest, like Remus was actually interested in what Lily had to say. When Remus nodded in silent response Sirius almost felt a sense of annoyance, just like he normally did when James would talk non stop about her or just ignore him completely while in her presence. He did not understand why though. After all, Remus was just a new kid and they were in the library; Sirius should want to run in the complete opposite direction just at the mention of books. Instead it was almost as if he wanted to stick around for a bit and not leave Remus' side.

"Well, seeing as we might be a while," Lily spoke, turning to Sirius, "you may as well head back to Gryffindor. Remus and I will hang out for a while and then I'll show him to the Tower...unless you really want to hang out with us amongst all these books."

"Yeah, because spending time around books is something I really enjoy." Sirius replied, surprised at how snappy it sounded.

Lily gave him an odd look. "It wasn't like I was suggesting you actually do."

"Whatever." Sirius rolled his eyes. "Later, Remus."

Not expecting a response at all, Sirius turned and left the library, unaware of icy gray eyes watching his back as he went.


	4. Speculation and memory

"James. Psst! Jamessss!"

"What, Sirius?" James whispered back without turning his head.

Sirius was standing behind James, both pressed up against the wall, as they waited for an unsuspecting Slytherin to come around the corner. "He's late. Snivelly is never late. We've been standing here for ten minutes at the most so wh- AH!" Sirius had turned to glance around and was surprised to see Remus standing almost next to him, giving him a slightly curious look. "You scared me!" The new student had been so silent in approaching him that Sirius had heard not a thing.

"Ssh!" James hissed at him. "Here he comes."

Sirius turned back to watch just in time as Severus Snape rounded the corner and was tripped by James' extended foot. Books went flying as the taller, dark haired Slytherin fell. James and Sirius both cackled gleefully at the spectacle, along with a few other students who were passing by.

Much to Sirius and James' surprise though was Remus' reaction. The silent boy gave them both a disapproving look then actually crouched down to start picking up the dropped books. Sirius did not like how the look Remus gave him actually made him feel _guilty_.

As Severus started to pick himself back up he glared at Sirius and James then Remus. "I don't need your help, freak." He lashed out angrily at the boy in front of him. Remus froze, his gaze lowering to the floor as Severus snatched the books from his hands.

"The only freak around here is you, Snivellus." Sirius replied. "I'd think you'd actually be thankful someone tried to help you for once, but your disgusting personality continues to prove me just how ungrateful you always are. How about you get out of here before I decide to make your clothes look as nasty as that mop of hair on your ugly head?"

"Fuck you, Black." Severus replied before pretty much fleeing the hallway, no doubt in fear of Sirius' threat.

Once he was gone, Sirius and James turned back to Remus. He had not moved since Severus had snatched the books from his hands, his gaze still turned to the floor, his body frozen as ice.

"Hey, Remus, don't worry about Snape." Sirius commented. "He's just a loser, really. Absolutely pathetic and weak, you know?" Remus stood shakily and Sirius thought he actually looked a bit ill, paler than he had just a few moments ago.

"Are you okay?" James asked Remus in concern.

Remus shook his head, refusing to meet either of their questioning looks. He looked fearful and upset, his eyes holding a faraway look.

Sirius did not know what to do so he gave James a 'what the heck do we do?' look and hoped his best friend could figure something out.

"How about you go back to Gryffindor and we'll meet you back there after classes?" James finally suggested. At Remus' nod of agreement both boys almost sighed in relief. "Alright, see you later then." Remus turned and left the hallway, heading back to Gryffindor.

"What was that all about?" Sirius asked once the new student was out of ear shot.

"I have no clue." James replied. "You know...I've been thinking he kind of looks familiar."

"I've been thinking that myself since we first saw him." Sirius commented. "And what's up with all those scars on his face? I haven't seen scars like those since-"

"That boy!" James exclaimed suddenly. "He looks like that boy from the summer you and I met."

Suddenly Sirius felt almost ill. "You're right. What if it's the same guy?" He did not like to think so. Remembering what happened that summer made Sirius feel sick. Just thinking about it brought back the images of the dead boy lying on the barn floor as the man stood above him.

What if it was though? What if Remus Lupin was the small boy they had seen all those years ago, getting knocked back against the barn wall for trying to stand up for his brother? Would all that have something to do with why he now, in the future, chose not to talk?

Sirius was now even more confused, and more curious, than ever before about Remus and the mystery of what he and James had seen in the barn that summer so long ago.


	5. Can you hear us howling

_I have a feeling this story will be quicker to finish thanks to its short chapters, yet, at the same time, not because there will be lots of chapters thanks to each one's shortness. Haha. _

_Ah well! _

_This one is definitely pretty short, but I don't plan on having pointless chapters/scenes in this fic. Everything counts for something._

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><p>When they returned to Gryffindor Tower later Remus was no where in sight, in neither the common room nor the dorm room.<p>

"Maybe he just went down to see the nurse." James figured, flopping down on his bed and carelessly dropping his bag on the floor next to it. Sirius nodded in response, not sure if he should tell James or not about how worried he really was about Remus.

Later that night, unable to sleep, Sirius got up and snuck out of the tower with James' invisibility cloak on. Not that he would tell James this of course, but occasionally Sirius just really could not sleep, or would have nightmares, and just needed to go for a walk to clear his mind. Having an extensive knowledge of the school had its advantages. Sirius knew the perfect places to sneak around at and the best places to use to get outside at night.

Using his favorite passage, Sirius soon found his way out onto the grounds near the lake. The night air was chilly, but thankfully it was still long enough away from winter that it was tolerable. There were no clouds in sight. This allowed the stars to shine brightly, only aiding to the already dazzling glow of the full moon hanging in the sky.

Sirius was just about to head down a path when a sound stopped him. Having spent plenty of time out on the grounds at night, Sirius was used to hearing plenty of different sounds, be it by nature or animal.

Wolf howling was somewhat new though. Well, scratch that, he had heard wolves before while having snuck into the Forbidden Forest a few times, but never this close or this...harrowing. This sort of howling had character, feelings, depth; Sirius was not sure what to make of it.

He decided to continue down his original path. The strange howling continued though. Curiosity was a dangerous personality trait Sirius possessed, having led him to all sorts of trouble before throughout his school years so far. If he had more time he just knew he would go in search of the location the howling was coming from, for surely it had to be close. Finally feeling somewhat tired, and knowing he probably shouldn't push his luck too much, Sirius turned around and made his way back into the school.

When he got back to his dorm he looked over and saw Remus' bed was still unoccupied. Odd. Maybe he really had been feeling ill and went to the hospital wing. Something just seemed off though to Sirius. It was a feeling he could not shake.


	6. You can't see what I see

_This longer chapter makes up for the last one which was uber short. Haha. This one's in Remus' POV._

_WARNING: swearing, sad face moments, and lots of depressing, self-defeating thoughts. _

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><p>I hate those nights, every single one of them. They're the harsh, monthly reminder of what I am, what monster I have been since the age of six. Not only that, they will always remind me of what I went through, what terrible things happened to me since the day my brother and I were caught.<p>

My brother...

I fight to turn the thoughts off, try desperately to think of anything else to get rid of those terrible images that plague my nightmares.

How did I make it back to the hospital wing after last night? Oh, that's right. McGonagall said the nurse would help me back. What was her name again? I think it was Pomfrey. Not that it matters; I won't ever use it out loud anyway.

I wish I had a mirror to observe the damage caused by last night. Hopefully it's nothing too bad. At least my arms seem to not be bandaged up like they normally are. I ache all over, but that's normal, to be expected after what I go through every month.

No one will even care to ask, if they notice anything, right? I mean, mostly everyone anyway. Lily might ask. She seems nice enough, always finding me in the library to sit and do homework with. She'll talk about everything, even random things, knowing I won't answer, but I don't mind because I love listening. I think she even appreciates that, because I know other people find her annoying. I have to remember to be wary though, can't trust too easily, because you never know when that seemingly nice person suddenly turns into the person who strikes, the person who reminds you what a disaster you are, weak, pathetic, a good for nothing _freak_.

I trust my new roommates even less. Guys are always worse than girls, always quicker to physically lash out in hate. Peter actually seems relatively harmless, but it's the other two I'm not so sure about, especially after how I saw them trip that Slytherin fellow yesterday. I'm sure neither of them would care to ask, but then again...

They talk to me quite often. They even ask me to sit with them during meals and classes. I don't understand. I must be quite boring to be around, considering I offer no real form of conversation next to the passing of notes during class, which I don't exactly approve of. Even those written conversations are quite limited in words, mainly asking about schoolwork. I will offer no information about myself that is not necessarily needed, considering I can only imagine how students would respond if they knew about my past and what I am.

I bet I'm missing classes right now as I lay here. I hate that too. Academics are important; as soon as I was able to regain just a shred of self confidence back I made a promise to myself that I would do whatever it takes to excel in my studies, using this as one way to prove, to all of those who in the past suggested otherwise, that I _am_ smart. This isn't a difficult promise for me to keep; I love learning, almost as much as I love reading, and have always done well ever since I was well enough to start my studies at the age of thirteen.

I'm just wondering when I would be allowed to leave when I hear footsteps entering the hospital wing. Just as I'm deciding whether to fake sleep or not I hear a familiar voice calling out.

"Remus! Heard you were in here. You gonna sleep all day?"

"_You can't fucking sleep all day! God, you're always hiding in here. Get up, lazy animal." Mr. Lancis snapped, yanking my arm roughly to drag me from the library table. _

"_I'm sor-"_

_A quick second too late I remember I shouldn't be speaking, should never be speaking unless commanded to do so by those in charge. A harsh slapping sound echoes off the walls of the dimly lit library and I feel my face start to burn, sure there will be another huge red mark upon my cheek now. That will look great with the black eye Trilly gave me earlier that morning. _

"_You know you fucking shut up unless told otherwise!" The older man snarled. "Don't even know why you spend so much time in here. No point in you learning how to read. Not like anything will stick in that brain of yours, considering how dumb and useless you are." Lancis smirked. "Thank god at least you don't cry like that disgusting brother of yours apparently did."_

_Anger clouds my vision as I glare at him, silently trying to force myself to calm down. Fighting back is useless, only leads to more pain and trouble later..._

"Remus?"

"_Weak, pathetic, disgusting freak...should've just knocked you off too. No need for young, useless animals...can't even use you for the fucking fights..."_

"Remus!"

I snap out of my zoned out state and realize I'm close to hyperventilating. My heart rate won't go down and my breathing is harsh, my fingers clutching tightly to the blankets covering my legs.

Sirius is next to me, a concerned look upon his face. Is it really concern though? It's an act, has to be. No one cares. You start thinking they do and it's all over; you're finished. You cannot even _think_ that someone else caring for you is even a possibility. They'll exploit you in the worst ways possible, wreck you emotionally and physically, and when they're finished they'll leave you out in the cold, the dark, alone and broken, just hoping you'll make it through the night so they can start where they left off all over again.

I should not be thinking like this. Since my release at age thirteen, since I was finally able to be reunited with my parents, they have done everything they can to help me think more positively, to help me move past the two year long horrors I suffered. Two years is a long time in captivity, it changes you, _they_ change you, and the new habits you learn, the new, self preserving habits that are designed to keep you safe, _alive_, are not easily forgotten. I honestly can not remember what my own voice sounds like, due to having not spoken in over a year, not even one tiny word.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm even capable of speech anymore. Can one even lose that ability coming from my situation? I wonder. I would test the theory, but every time my mouth opens I remember the insults, the abuse, the threats, and my throat closes up, my heart starts to race, and I feel as if I may faint if I don't find someplace to hide. It's just better if I don't speak.

"Remus, you have to calm down..." Sirius looked somewhat panicked now, as if he was unsure how to handle the situation. The awkward, uncomfortable situation I had placed him in, because I am stupid like that, pathetic and thoughtless. He should just give up and leave. There's no point in trying to act like he cares; I could never believe he wasn't just trying to play everyone else's game, the evil game I spent two years of my life struggling through in any way to attempt to survive.

As I struggle to calm my racing heart I catch, out of the corner of my eye, Sirius' hand reaching for me. Whether it was meant as a comforting gesture or not I could not care, instinct took over and I was shrinking away before he could get too close, smacking his hand away from me. Instantly I freeze, knowing I have crossed a line. This guy, this new player in my game for survival, will be angry now. Sure there's the nurse probably just around the corner, but what's to stop her from just letting Sirius go if she just so happens to be on their side too?

I shouldn't have come here. I shouldn't have insisted that I was so ready to take on the real world once more. I'm no where near ready. I'll probably never be. I'm too damaged, too weak, and too unable to accept the fact that I no longer live in the terror that was once my world and adjust to the fact that I am safe.

I wait for the angry words, the harsh blows against my already weakened body, yet none come. Curious, though still too wary to let my guard down, I crack one eye open to quickly glance over at the other boy...and am instantly confused. Sirius does not look angry. No, he looks confused, possibly even a little upset. I don't understand. Why isn't he angry? Is it a trap? A ruse?

"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." Sirius spoke quietly. "Here, Evans made me bring you your school stuff and copies of notes for you for the day. I'll just...set it all over here." I watch as he sets all of my stuff down on the stand beside my hospital bed. "I'll just go now. Get better soon..."

I couldn't bring myself to watch as he left the hospital wing. Confusion was still plaguing me. Was that actual concern? Sometimes, on a good day, I can get close to convincing myself there might actually be people out there who would care, who would actually be concerned for me if something bad were to happen again. On a bad day though, especially after those nights, I find myself easily capable of slipping back into the mindset I bore while 'in captivity' as they called it. When the backwards slip down the hill becomes a rapidly tumbling spiral I have to slam on the brakes before it becomes so bad I'm that same small boy who was returned to his parents three years ago, the small boy who was unable to see past his locked door, into the sunlight and the joyous, loving, open arms of his parents who were thrilled to see him again, even despite the fact that he was a constant reminder of the other son they lost

That small boy...

A freak.

A monster, locked in a cage where it belongs.


	7. Double in the picture

Five days. It was five days after the day Sirius visited Remus. The silent boy had since left the hospital wing, but Sirius had not yet figured out a way to ask him why he had been in there in the first place. He wanted to though. He really wanted to know what was going on with Remus.

Why did he care so much? Why did he find himself sneaking glances at Remus during classes, only to turn away quickly and get an odd feeling in his stomach when he was sure Remus almost caught him staring? Why did he have to have these odd delusions of himself being the one to finally get close enough to the silent boy, finally getting him to speak?

He did not know the answers to these questions, but he sure wished he did. Sirius Black was not the type to get worked up by these sorts of things in a serious manner – no pun intended.

What made things worse now was the fact that he could not get the image of Remus' response to his visit in the hospital wing out of his head. When he had stopped by and tried a slightly cheerful greeting, Remus' eyes had adopted this slightly vacant look, as if he was remembering something. It must have been something bad, because afterward he flinched and looked like he expected Sirius to hit him or something. The sight was...well, pitiful to say the least, yet it tore at Sirius' heart, causing him to want to reach out and comfort the poor boy. This was a feeling Sirius was not entirely accustomed to, considering normally when his friends were upset he just did goofy stuff to cheer them up and then they went about their lives. He did not handle serious, upsetting situations well.

Remus' reaction just added another thing to Sirius' list of mysterious things about the silent boy, things he really wanted to figure out.

This fifth day was a Friday. There was a Hogsmeade trip that weekend so Sirius and James had much to look forward to. Of course they had to get through the rest of their Friday classes before the weekend could officially start. Once they were finished though Sirius and James wasted no time in getting back to Gryffindor ready to plan their Hogsmeade adventure for the weekend, hoping that they would run into Snape for some quality entertainment. This fifth day though was also the day Sirius saw something that started to finally give him some clarification about Remus.

They were sitting on one of the couches, discussing their thoughts for the trip and picking on Peter in the process, when Sirius spotted Remus silently entering the common room and heading for the staircase that led up to the dorms.

"Hi, Remus!" He called out, having decided since the day in the hospital wing that he was going to try and be even friendlier towards the new student.

Remus jumped slightly and looked startled for a moment when he glanced over at Sirius. Something like confusion and curiosity flashed in his eyes for a moment before he finally looked back down towards the ground, waving weakly in hello before continuing towards the staircase. As he walked something fell out of one of the books he was carrying and fluttered to the floor, unnoticed by everyone except Sirius.

Sirius hopped up and went over to pick the thing up. It was a picture. He did a double take though when he got a good look at it. The picture was of two boys who could not have been over the age of ten...they were twins. Twins. The same exact boys Sirius and James had seen the summer before they started school, and one of them was Remus.

He glanced up from the picture and saw Remus was no where in sight. Ignoring James' question he took off for the dorm, knowing he just had to return the picture and ask Remus...something, _anything_; anything to help solve more of the thoughts Sirius was trying to piece together in his mind.

The dorm was quiet when he went in. He immediately spotted Remus with his nose buried in a book and was not too surprised. "Hey, Remus..." He called out quietly, walking over to flop down and sit at the bottom of Remus' bed. Remus' eyes widened, but he said nothing, drawing his legs up closer to his body, trying to put more of a distance between his self and Sirius.

"You dropped this on your way up." Sirius informed him, holding the picture out.

A panicked look crossed the silent boy's face and he instantly reached out, his hand freezing mere seconds after the action. Now he looked stuck, like he could not decide whether he could take the picture or that Sirius might do something bad to him if he tried.

Sirius did not like that look on Remus' face. It was...upsetting to him. He held the picture out closer. "Here, I'm not gonna hit you or get angry or anything."

Remus hesitated for a moment, watching Sirius cautiously, before finally reaching closer and taking the picture from him. Relief flooded his features and he gave the picture a sad, loving look before slipping it into the book he was currently holding.

"He's your brother, right? Or twin? Well, you know, counts as the same thing and all, but yeah..." Sirius shut up before he ventured into rambling mode. For some reason he felt suddenly almost nervous, and he hated that kind of feeling. The boy in front of him watched him for a moment before finally nodding in response. Sirius wanted to ask more, but he knew if he started asking too many questions he might actually say something about that summer before his first year at Hogwarts. Sometimes his brain to mouth filter malfunctioned...a lot.

"If anyone had tried to get a picture of me and my brother together like that, back when we were both little, we'd have fought and then probably take it out on the poor cameraman." Sirius laughed weakly. Remus did not look too entirely amused, just very curious, as if he wanted to ask why Sirius and his brother fought so much. Sirius did not want to talk about Regulus so he decided it was about time he headed back down to the common room. Not before saying something important though, something he had wanted to say to Remus since his visit to him in the hospital wing.

"Look, Remus, I don't know...what happened to you before, clearly something bad considering you flinch whenever I or anyone else get close to you, but I can promise you I'd never hurt you." Sirius got up from the bed. "I know I may come off as some ridiculous guy who hardly ever takes things seriously, but surprisingly I do have my moments. Just...if you ever need someone, I'm here for you, alright?"

Remus looked lost, conflicted, after Sirius' little speech. His look made Sirius want to reach out to him and he almost did before remembering that touching Remus was probably not the best idea. Except there was no flinch this time, just extreme wariness in the look Remus was giving his outstretched hand. Somewhat encouraged by this response, Sirius moved his hand very slowly until he could gently rest it on Remus' shoulder. That was when he finally got a slight flinch out of the other boy, but, at the same time, Remus still did not pull away from his touch.

Not wanting to push his luck, not wanting to upset Remus at all, Sirius finally pulled his hand back slowly. "You're safe, trust me." He smiled, not at all upset that Remus would not lift his head to meet his gaze. "I'm going back downstairs. You should come join us."

Sirius left the dorm and went back to the common room, telling a curious James that he had returned Remus' picture to him and then had tried to look for something he ended up not finding anyway. With Peter, the three of them sat for another hour or so just talking and laughing.

About a half hour after he had returned from the dorm, Sirius was happily surprised to see Remus come down and quietly join them. The silent boy sat on the couch next to Sirius, not as far away as he normally would but not too close either. James and Peter were glad to see him too, all three of them trying their best to include Remus into their conversation even if he never responded verbally. Sirius could not help but think that he may have finally gotten through to their new friend, but he also knew this was just the beginning. He still had a long way to go until Remus really trusted him and they could truly be friends, something he was starting to want more and more as each day passed.


	8. Sometimes it's better not to know

_Hello, everyone! Sorry for the delay for all of my current fanfics. I put a writing ban on myself, due to the constant pain in my wrists thanks to hours spent typing every night. Not smart on my part, and I honestly don't want carpal tunnel before I'm 30. Haha. I'm back now though, and will be working hard to make up for lost time. I promise!_

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><p>Things had definitely changed since that night in Gryffindor. They were slight changes, but changes none the less. Sirius found that Remus spent more time with them now than he had before. He didn't always sit about and listen to them converse, generally choosing to read books instead and be oblivious to all else around him, but he still sat with them more often than just going up to the dorms to read or do school work.<p>

Sirius was pretty sure he caught Remus watching him more often as well. Watching him as if he was trying to figure him out, which was ironic to Sirius considering he spent so much time trying to sneak glances at Remus to figure _him_ out.

He really didn't want to go home over the holiday break, but he still had some things left at his parents' home he needed to get which he had been neglecting to do since being kicked out. So he was going to stay with James over Christmas and make a point to stop by his parents' when he knew they would be out. If Regulus was there, well, the kid was a push over nowadays and Sirius could probably shut him up with a few selective insults.

Sirius had wondered what Remus would be doing over the holidays, but after seeing him packing a day or two before the end of term Sirius pretty much had figured he was going home for the break. He wondered what Remus' home life was like.

All four of them – Peter included – rode home together on the train. Remus was as silent as ever, letting the rest of them chat away about holiday plans and such. When the train arrived at the station Sirius quickly spotted James' parents amongst the others standing on the platform. He looked about the people wondering which two adults standing out there were Remus' parents, wondering what kind of people they were and how they would respond to seeing their son again after he had been away at school.

A hesitant tap at his shoulder brought him from his thoughts. Startled, he looked up to see Remus standing next to him. That was indeed a surprise. Remus had yet to touch him of his own accord. The silent boy looked almost as surprised at his actions as Sirius felt about them, yet he also looked slightly nervous as well.

"Sorry, I think I zoned out for a moment." Sirius laughed, getting up from his seat. "Did you see your parents out there?" Remus nodded slowly, glancing out the window for a second before turning back to Sirius. "Well, that's good then." Sirius replied with a small smile. "You should get out there. I'm sure they've been missing you."

Remus nodded once more in response. He continued to stand there however; looking as if there was something he wanted to communicate but unsure how.

It took Sirius a moment before he seemed to understand, or hoped he did at least. "You better have a good break too, alright? Don't spend the entire time reading."

He was surprised when it actually looked like Remus was trying not to smile for a moment. Instead Remus just nodded and left the train compartment, leaving Sirius wishing he really had smiled. It kind of impressed him though that he was getting rather good at figuring out what Remus wanted to say.

As he left the train and gathered his stuff he tried searching for Remus amongst the crowd. It took a while, but he did eventually spot him. Remus was standing next to his parents, both of whom looked quite excited to see him. It was hard to really tell from how far away he was, but to Sirius it kind of looked like Remus just looked uncomfortable, yet like he was at least trying to answer his parents' questions with a nod or shake of his head. As they went to leave it looked like Remus' mother wanted to hug him but changed her mind last minute, after Remus started to shy away, and took his bag instead to carry. As he watched them go, Sirius wondered what it must be like to be a parent who was unable to touch their child, knowing he or she would be frightened of their touch. Sirius was sure Remus' parents had nothing to do with why Remus was so wary of physical contact, or of just communicating with people in general, so he could guess it was pretty upsetting for them to have their son react the way he does.

For now all Sirius could do was hope Remus had a good holiday break that was not too stressful. As for his own break, Sirius did not know it yet, but he was going to get another clue, a big clue, to help solve the mystery of Remus Lupin.

The day after Christmas there was always some sort of Pureblood party Sirius knew his parents went to. Of course his brother would probably find some way to wiggle out of it and stay home, but Sirius was not so much worried about Regulus as he was his parents, especially his mum. His mother was an absolute terror; ugly as a bat as well, as he liked to tell James. James offered to come along with, but Sirius knew it would already be bad enough for him, himself, to show up. If he brought a friend along and something went wrong, well, he did not want to get James involved with his family problems.

So the day after Christmas Sirius made it to his family home around mid-afternoon. Hopefully this would not be the year his parents decided not to attend the Christmas party at Malfoy Manor. Approaching the front door Sirius pondered whether he should knock or not. Trying the door handle he found it was locked. Knocking it would have to be then. Sighing, Sirius pounded on the door, kind of hoping Kreacher would open the door so he could taunt the stupid house elf.

No such luck, of course. The door opened to reveal a rather bored looking Regulus Black. "Curses," Sirius sighed, silently breathing a sigh of relief though it was not his parents answering the door, "well, at least it's only you and not mum. How goes it, little bro?" Not that Sirius really cared though. He pushed right past his startled brother and made the familiar walk to his old bedroom.

"Hey!" Regulus protested in a slightly whiny voice. "You can't just push past me like that! What are you doing here anyway?"

"I can do whatever the hell I want, thank you." Sirius replied, rolling his eyes. "Not that it's any of your business, but I left a few things behind in my room I never got and I'd like them."

"But mum says you're not allowed back in here, so-"

"I don't give a damn what dear ol' _mum_ says." Sirius snapped back harshly. "She's not here right now so I'm getting my stuff then leaving. Deal with it."

Not too surprisingly, Regulus followed him all the way upstairs. As he went in and tried to find the things he wanted, his brother stood in the doorway with his arms folded across his chest and an annoyed look upon his face. "Your room's a mess."

Sirius paused to actually give his brother an 'are you kidding me?' look. "This can't be anything compared to the disaster your room normally is. And besides, I don't care what this room looks like anymore. Not my problem."

Regulus huffed and shook his head. "Whatever. It was so much easier back when we were kids and Maria was still around."

"Who- oh yeah, her." Sirius shrugged. "I hardly ever noticed she was around."

"That's cause she wasn't around much that we could see, never talked, and all we thought she did was clean some."

Sirius was trying to remember what Maria looked like. He couldn't remember much about her besides the fact that she was kind of short and had kind of a man-ish figure. Her hair had been cut short and there had been a few strange marks on her face and neck...or had those been scars? He was not entirely sure now, but the more he thought about it now the more it seemed to be so and that thought made him feel slightly uncomfortable. It reminded him of Remus' scars, and the scars on those people in the barn back when he had been eleven.

"Wait, you said we only thought she cleaned." Sirius noted. "What else could she really do? Kreacher did practically everything else."

Regulus grinned, always one to enjoy knowing he knew something more than his older brother. "I asked dad about her a while back. Wondering what had ever happened to her and all. Did you know she was a werewolf?"

"A what?" Sirius glanced over at his brother. "Really?"

"Yeah." Regulus nodded. "Apparently dad bought her when the werewolf trade was still big on the black market. He got her cause she was actually a pretty decent fighter, for, like, when there were werewolf fighting rings and all. When she wasn't doing that mum insisted she helped around the house a bit, otherwise they just kept her locked up in the basement. And then during full moons they just chained her up down there and put silencing charms all over. No wonder we were never allowed down there."

"Wait, wait, wait..." Sirius felt like he was going to be ill, "this was like a 'big thing' people did?" He tried to remember what he had been taught about werewolves in History of Magic class or in Defense Against the Dark Arts: basics, mainly. Nothing about this had ever been mentioned.

Regulus nodded. "Yep. And then a few years or so ago the Ministry finally cracked down on it and actually started to finally do something about stopping it. People were arrested and everything. Dad knew it would probably still continue in secret, but he wasn't going to take any chances so he never participated again."

"Then what ever happened to Maria anyway?" Sirius asked, not too sure he wanted to know the answer. All he knew was that at one point, when they were still little, Maria had just simply disappeared one day and they had never seen her again.

"Dad wasn't going to tell me about that, but I asked him again one night after he had drunk a lot." Regulus looked pleased with himself over that brilliant idea. Sirius just thought he looked stupid. "He said she had lost a fight years ago and was in some pretty bad shape. Dad was pretty bent out of shape about it so he had her, er, disposed of."

Sirius blinked. "Wait, like..._killed_? Just because-" He shook his head. "That is so wrong."

"Oh and it gets worse!" Regulus really was enjoying the fact that he knew so much more about this than Sirius did. "Dad said they'd get kids that were werewolves too, like even at the age of 10 or so."

Some ugly thoughts were starting to settle in Sirius' mind, making his stomach turn. Seeing that he had gotten everything he had come for, Sirius stood and decided it was time to leave. "Well...thanks for the history lesson. I'm just gonna be off now."

Regulus followed him all the way down to the front door before speaking again. "You know, I've seen that new friend of yours around at school. All this stuff...it made me wonder about him, y'know?"

Sirius shook his head, making a quick escape out the front door and slamming it shut behind him. He made it halfway down the street before he collapsed on a park bench and hunched over, hiding his face in his hands.

Oh, he knew exactly what Regulus meant. The same sort of thoughts had crossed his mind as soon as Regulus had mentioned the werewolf kids. The old barn memory had surfaced; images of scarred people in chains making Sirius want to vomit now that he knew exactly why they had been there. _Remus_ had been there. Remus and his brother, the boy Sirius and James had watched die.

Regulus had not been lying to him about all this. No, his younger brother always enjoyed the moments he got to act superior to him too much to lie to him about it all. So that would mean...Remus was a werewolf. Well, Sirius could recall in the past few months of school the few nights when Remus would not be in the dorms only to end up in the hospital wing the next morning. Now everything was starting to make sense.

Only Sirius really wished it didn't. He was starting to wish everything was all a lie and that something else bad had just happened to Remus, something Sirius could possibly help him forget some day to help he get better, because all of this...this was not something that one could just 'forget'. How could he ever help Remus now?

Sirius had wanted to know the truth. Now he was starting to think that sometimes _not_ knowing the answer to something was safer than actually knowing.


	9. It's alright

_Here's a pretty important chapter...next one is in Remus' point of view._

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><p>Once back at school Sirius was not entirely sure how to act around Remus. It was silly really, considering he was the only one out of the two of them who knew that <em>he<em> knew what had happened. He should just act like he normally did. Except he couldn't, because every time he saw Remus he was reminded of what he now knew and he was stuck between anger at those who had done what they had to Remus, and sadness, because Remus was his friend and he did not know what to do to help him get better.

When Sirius did not know how to properly handle a situation he tended to avoid it. This soon became quite apparent to the others, considering before Christmas break Sirius had spent a lot of time with Remus but was now, after the break, avoiding him quite often. Sirius was soon spending quite a lot of time avoiding James and Peter's questions as well. It was tiresome.

He was not avoiding the entire matter completely, however. After their return from break Sirius started to keep track of the moon phases, intent upon seeing if Remus really was a werewolf. The night of the next full moon, Sirius made a point to watch Remus as closely as he could without hopefully making it too obvious he was doing so. It was not a complete surprise when Remus up and left the common room. Sirius made an excuse to leave and ran up the steps to the dorm, going to grab James' invisibility cloak.

Soon he was out in the hallways, trying to make his way outside without getting caught. Outside was the best place to start, he assumed, because there was no way Remus could become a werewolf while still in the castle.

Once outside he headed towards the forest, wondering where exactly Remus could be. The grounds were well lit by the light of the full moon shining down upon it. As he neared the edge of the forest he suddenly heard a howling from further away, somewhere Sirius could not place. Was it from the forest or somewhere else? Was it really Remus? Sirius did not know. It was probably not the smartest idea to actually go looking for a werewolf, but Sirius continued his search anyway for almost another hour before finally giving up.

It was not a surprise either the next day when he found out that Remus was in the hospital wing again. He wanted to visit him, but, at the same time, was nervous too, so he decided to wait until the afternoon when he could have the excuse of bringing Remus his homework to explain why he was visiting.

The fact that Remus was in the hospital wing proved to be useful. Sirius had decided he would ask their Defense Against the Dark Arts professor about the whole black market stuff involving werewolves. He was, admittedly, being rather sneaky about it, waiting till after class to ask and all, but Sirius Black did not ask questions during class unless it was to be disruptive. He was not about to ruin his bad boy streak, no matter how important the question was. Plus he did not have a really good reason to even explain why he was asking about this, especially not one good enough to fool the entire class. Surely someone would suspect something. Maybe he was just being paranoid.

After class he approached Professor Wiggins tentatively, making sure all the other students were already on their way out of the classroom. "Er, professor?"

His professor eyed him warily, something that did not surprise Sirius in the least. "Yes, Mr. Black? If this is about your essay grade, the poem, while entertaining, did not exactly properly answer the question-"

"Uh, no." Sirius laughed, shaking his head. Though, honestly, that had been a rather good poem, he thought. Shame Wiggins did not agree. "Actually I had a question...about werewolves."

"Werewolves?" Wiggins gave him an odd look. "What about werewolves?"

Surely if there was a werewolf attending the school all the teachers would know, right? Sirius really hoped Wiggins would not make the connection then as to why Sirius was really asking these questions. "Well, it's just...we've only been taught the basics about them, right? We weren't really taught too much of their history beyond that, and the subject's barely even touched upon in History of Magic. I heard something about the werewolf trade on the black market and was confused since it wasn't something I'd ever heard of before. Figured you might be able to explain it more to me."

"Well, I'm not surprised you hadn't heard of it before." Wiggins replied carefully. "People tried to stay quiet about it especially considering what a controversy it was, what with the fact that werewolves are still technically part human. There are bans that aren't always completely enforced on trade involving magical creatures because those creatures aren't human in any way and even Ministry officials can be corrupt, partaking in such things. For werewolves...well, it's like basically selling and buying humans and therefore people get iffier about it. Of course the people who mainly bought and sold them were of the belief that werewolves really weren't human at all in any way, so they chose to ignore the other side of the argument, only seeing the money which they would receive between buying and selling and from the werewolf fights."

"By the time the Ministry really caught on to all of this it had been going on for years." Wiggins continued. "I was working in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures when the Ministry finally made the official ban on the werewolf trade and really started cracking down on taking action against those who participated in it. I think what sickened me the most was when I found out it had expanded from adult werewolves to children who were werewolves as well. That did not happen in the beginning."

"Why would they get kids?" Sirius asked quietly.

Wiggins thought about it for a moment. "Well, I suppose it was because kids were easier to control, and they could be trained better for the fights. Adult werewolves who were captured probably tried to fight back more often and were harder to contain. I have to ask, why the interest though? Was it just because you heard about the trade?"

Sirius shook his head, figuring he may as well be slightly honest about it. "My brother reminded me the other day of this lady who used to work for our parents. She was around when we were little, to clean some and all, but we hardly ever saw her. One day she just disappeared. Regulus told me it was because our dad had bought her for the fights. She had lost once and was injured or something and so he..._disposed_ of her." The thought of it still sickened him.

"That was fairly common when it came to the fights, sadly." Wiggins explained. "There weren't many rules. Whoever was down first lost. Sometimes neither would give up and the spectators would just let things go until one of the fighters would either pass out or, well, die. I can't imagine why they would think it okay to put a child into the fights, but who knows how their minds work. It's cruel, sickening, and I, for one, am glad the Ministry has finally cracked down on something like that. It's done such terrible damage to those lives we managed to free and save. I'm sure there are still werewolves out there suffering, and we can only hope that they'll be rescued at some point. I wish I could still be of more help, but, alas, I am getting rather on in age and the physical involvement is too taxing..."

Sirius really did not care to hear about his professor's woes about old age. There was a bunch of emotions fighting him at the moment and all he wanted to do was go see Remus. "Well...er, thank you, sir, for...telling me more about this. I should probably be heading off..."

"Yes, well, you are welcome." His professor nodded. "I wish you would ask good questions like that during class sometimes. It wouldn't hurt, you know."

"Oh, no way." Sirius laughed, waving as he headed for the door. "Then everyone would actually think I _care_. Have a reputation to uphold, sir. Farewell!" And with that he was out the door.

He managed to get Remus' notes for him that Lily had taken – like Sirius himself would have taken any notes...– and ran back to Gryffindor to get some of Remus' books for him. Then he took off for the Hospital Wing, nerves settling in his stomach that was already feeling upset from all the emotions plaguing him from what Wiggins had told him. Everything he had been told was informative, but now Sirius just felt even angrier towards the terrible people who had treated Remus, and other werewolves, so dreadfully.

Quietly Sirius entered the Hospital Wing, looking around to see there was no one else there. The nurse was in her office. Well, that was all quite convenient. Sirius stopped to inform the nurse he was there to bring Remus his missed work before he actually went and saw him.

Remus was asleep, or looked to be asleep. His back was too him, so Sirius could not tell. Sirius approached him and set the notes and books down on the little shelf next to the bed. "Remus? Hey...you awake?" There was no reply, but Sirius did see Remus' shoulders twitch. Obviously he was now aware of Sirius' presence at least.

"I brought your missed class work and stuff." Sirius continued. "Figured you might want it. I know how much you hate getting behind in class." He bit his lip when Remus still refused to turn and acknowledge him. It did not take him long to figure out what was probably going on: Sirius _had_ been ignoring him for a while now, after all, so Remus was probably confused and upset about that.

Sighing, mentally calling himself an idiot, Sirius carefully sat himself down at the foot of the bed. He was looking towards the floor, but he felt Remus' feet pull away from him and it made him feel sadder. "Look, I'm sorry for...avoiding you and all. It has nothing- well, it has a lot to do with you, but you didn't do anything wrong. I just don't know how to talk to you- oh god that came out wrong. I do know _how_ to talk to you, just not about...why I've been avoiding you. I'm rambling now, ack." A rustling sound turned his head and he saw Remus was sitting up now, watching him with a slightly confused expression. There was a hint of curiousness behind those icy gray eyes as well though.

Sirius could not turn his face away as he continued to try and figure out what he had to say. He was trying to be careful, not wanting to upset Remus but, at the same time, trying to let Remus know that he knew; that he was there for him. "I'm sorry..." he spoke again quietly, "I- I know. I mean, I know that you're a..._werewolf_." He whispered the word quietly, feeling paranoid again that someone may overhear them and therefore learn about Remus' condition.

The effect of Sirius having said that was instantaneous. Remus' eyes widened in fear and he shrunk away from Sirius, seemingly curling in on himself. Sirius panicked and immediately tried to reassure Remus that everything was okay. "No! No, no, no, I'm not- I don't-" Why was finding the right words to say so difficult sometimes?

"It doesn't bother me." Sirius told him, hoping Remus could tell how sincere he was trying to be. "I wasn't avoiding you because of that, I swear. I won't treat you any differently because you just so happen to turn into a wolf during the full moon. No, I was avoiding you because...I know about everything else you've gone through – well, not all the details, of course, but the basics – and it...I was so upset about it that I didn't know how to handle my feelings and talk to you." Ugh, Sirius Black really did not like talking about feelings. "No one should have to go through something like what you had to, especially as a kid."

"And...now every time I see you I'm reminded of that and I just want to find those evil people who treated you so badly and- I don't even know what I'd do to them, but I just really hope they didn't get away with what they've done." He rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands, feeling ill again just thinking about how cruel people could really be. He couldn't look back up at Remus, sure he had upset him even more now but unable to shut himself up. "I thought maybe I could help you, you know? I'd thought 'oh, well maybe if we become friends I could help him feel better', but then...after I knew everything I just felt hopeless because how could I ever help you after all of that? It's not something you'll ever just forget-"

He was getting all choked up. All this emotional stuff was generally uncomfortable for Sirius, but he didn't feel as uncomfortable about it while he was with Remus. He couldn't figure out why he cared so much though; why he had always cared so much, ever since meeting Remus. Was it just because they were friends? Or maybe it was because Sirius had just known that Remus was that same boy he had seen all the way back in the summer before his first year of school. He didn't know. All he knew was that he cared for Remus a lot and it was frustrating to think that he may not be able to help him out as well as he wanted to.

A hand rested tentatively on his shoulder, startling him slightly. What happened next was so unexpected that Sirius would have missed it completely if the room had not been so silent. A very quiet voice whispered next to him a simple 'It's alright'.

Sirius turned his head in surprise, starring wide-eyed at Remus who looked just as surprised as he did. "You spoke..." They had been words meant to comfort, which Sirius appreciated, but he thought it should be the other way around. "You don't have to comfort me, Remus...I should be the one comforting you."

Remus withdrew his hand from Sirius' shoulder and looked down at the blanket covering him, seemingly unsure now as to what he should do.

"I appreciate it though." Sirius told him, not wanting Remus to think he had made a mistake in doing what he had done. He carefully reached over and placed his hand on top of Remus', smiling to himself when Remus did not pull his hand away. "And I finally got to hear your voice! The long wait was worth it." He chuckled nervously, really hoping he wasn't going to do something to scare Remus back into silence for another lengthy period of time. "I won't tell anyone; if it makes you feel more comfortable. I just hope I can hear it again soon."

As Remus nodded in response, Sirius smiled and stood up, figuring he should probably go soon and let him rest. He was halted however by Remus' hand grabbing a hold of his tightly. "Er, I was gonna let you get some rest, but would you rather I stay?" He got a nod in reply.

"Alright then, scoot over." Sirius told him, chuckling a tiny bit at Remus' confused look. "I'm joining you." Remus still did not move for a second, but then he did, sliding over to the side a bit so Sirius could sit down next to him. There wasn't much room so their shoulders were touching, but Remus did not pull away from the contact.

Sirius reached over to grab Remus' missed work and textbooks. "Fancy doing some homework?" He laughed, carefully handing Remus the stuff. "Somehow I think you've become one of the smartest in our year. I'm sure Evans enjoys the academic competition, now that there's someone else around who's about as nerdy as she is." Sirius wondered if Remus would find that as an insult and abruptly backtracked. "Not that being nerdy is a bad thing!" He exclaimed. "I mean, _I _would never want to be considered such. Reputation would suffer and all, but for you it's okay. It's more than okay, brilliant even." He felt like he was bordering rambling again. "Maybe you could help me out, eh?"

A small grin managed to appear on Remus' face, but as quickly as it came it was gone again. Sirius' heart jumped at the sight. It was the first time he had seen Remus smile and now that he had seen it once he wanted to see it again. There had been a little bit of that missing light shining in Remus' eyes right then at that moment; Sirius made a silent promise to himself that he would continue to do every thing he could to make sure that the light would return for good.


	10. Taking the chance

_Written in Remus' POV~_

* * *

><p>I can only wonder how long this is going to last until I'm proven yet again how bad people can be, how easy it is for someone to turn on you once you've let your guard down.<p>

I want to trust Sirius though. I feel like- like I really can trust him, that he isn't just messing with me to hurt me. It's his eyes. There is so much feeling in them, when he speaks or even just when he's sitting next to me. Caring, friendliness, even genuine concern; somehow I am starting to become convinced that allowing myself to truly let Sirius into my life wouldn't be such a terrible thing after all.

I was scared for a while there though. Before the holiday break it seemed like he was really making an effort to spend time with me, but then, after the break, he was constantly trying to avoid me. Could I have done something wrong somehow? I couldn't imagine what. All I do is try to make myself inconspicuous, invisible; someone unimportant and not worth wasting time on. How could I have done anything to offend him?

Now of course I know the real reason. To say I was terrified, when he first mentioned he knew my secret, was an understatement. I've been so careful to keep my secret, well, a _secret_. Sure the staff knew, but none of the students were supposed to know. I wanted to ask how Sirius knew everything, but I couldn't form the words.

Words...yes, apparently I haven't lost my voice after all. I was just as surprised as Sirius was when those I spoke those two little words. Surprised, and stuck on the instinct that speaking led to pain. Sirius didn't hurt me though for speaking. No, he was glad that I had spoken. He wants to hear me speak again. It's a somewhat foreign concept to me.

When I was first returned home after my 'captivity', my parents wished I would speak to them too, but soon they seemed to accept the fact that I wouldn't and just stopped trying to get me to do so. Something tells me Sirius wouldn't have given up. He would have continued trying to get me to speak until I had done so. Now his wait was over though. I had actually spoken. I wanted to say more, but those doubts were attacking my mind, making me wonder how long until he too would no longer wish me to speak.

So now what? Do I allow him to get closer? Do I allow myself to open up more to him, make myself more vulnerable than I already have? It's surprising how much I really want to do so. Little steps then; I'll do whatever makes me comfortable, and if it gets to be too much then I'll retreat.

_It'll be okay._ I tell myself. _He's not like the others. How bad could it be?_


End file.
